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I have this energy about me that invites people to sit down and spill their life story. It’s like there’s a sign on my forehead that says “talk to me.” I love a good story, especially one with a fascinating twist. Some days though, especially when my mind’s in a daze, I just can’t listen as intently to anyone–my kids, my clients, my friends.
Feeling like that today, because I just got off the phone with BD (baby daddy) and no one can leave me as bothered and confused as he can. Kinda the same feeling you get after watching an episode of Jersey Shore. You feel this strange mix of vitriol and compassion. You’re not sure whether to throw a punch or give a hug. Such is the double bind of dealing with lost souls.
Anyhow it all got me thinking about my life post marriage and how grateful I am to have more joy and emotional stability in my life. I wanted to offer up these three rules that I try wholeheartedly to live by:
1) Don’t be so into your story that you can’t move beyond it. When we’re hurt our tendency is to cling to the story around it, to retell it over and over again, until it lives in every corner of our minds and spills into every aspect of our lives. You must be willing to drop the old story and START writing a new one or truthfully you will never grow.
2) Close your eyes and just let go. In the summer of 2012 I decided it was time to sell my wedding ring, a decision born out of pure necessity. I walked into a rare coin company, the third on the circuit of cash for gold shops that I reluctantly visited that day. The owner looked at my ring, made a favorable offer, and began to flick out the diamond. He could see the uneasiness in my face and asked what was going on. Still in a very raw and fragile state, I began throwing up my story to a stranger who graciously listened.
Three hours later, in a tiny nondescript coin shop, he taught me about the hidden power of surrender. See I was letting go of something I treasured deeply, but in exchange, his shrewd but compassionate sensibility helped dig me out of a mental rut as we mapped out solutions together. This complete stranger, who is now my friend, went on to give me $10,000 with no strings attached to help transition my kids and I into the new and amazing life we enjoy today. Trust that BIG THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU CAN JUST LET GO! Tweet It!
3) Don’t make rash decisions. When I first learned about my husband’s affair I wanted to pack everything he owned and toss it out the window classic Jungle Fever style. But I didn’t. I knew I needed some solid advice, not the emotional, biased kind, but the rational and sensible kind. So I called someone who gave me just that. He said,” Tamika, you’re in no position to make a rash move right now, you don’t want to jump to thinking about divorce, and you certainly can’t be on your own. The best thing you can do is get through your delivery (btw I was pregnant), give yourself some time to get stronger, and make your decisions then.” Best advice ever! Our pride makes us think we have to DO SOMETHING or REACT when we’ve been hurt. On the contrary, if you can just sit with it for a minute, you’ll gain greater clarity in the end. I promise.
Love sharing bits of me with you. I’d love to hear about life rules that you live by. Share them below pretty please!
Single Mama Lama
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